A THOUSAND REASONS WHY

6:15am or so”Edwan wake up Gabriel is having another crisis”(emphasis on another).

Now if you are from my house this is the last thing you want to hear so early in the morning or at all.Having a sibling with a permanent health condition is not an easy thing to deal with.Its permanent, all the checkups and surgeries just prolong the inevitable.You never really think of them leaving you one day but the thought caves itself somewhere at the furthest end of your brain.

My mom called me that early and trust me I have never woken up from bed with such speed.Within  a split second I was all dressed and tending to  Gaby my little man.He and I had this special bond so when he saw me he quickly held unto me while I changed him so we could leave for the hospital.It wasn’t easy changing him cuz I could feel how much pain he was in as he held my hand tightly while holding unto his chest with the other hand.He was a cardiac patient.

You will think for a family with a child like Gaby we would have all the emergency equipment we need but my family is a struggling one so we can’t really afford a car so we had to quickly ask a neighbor to drive us to the hospital.Trust me it was the longest ride in ma whole life and Gaby wasn’t making it easy on me by coughing up blood and swaying restlessly.

At that point my sister and I were still giggling cuz death really wasn’t at the back of our minds.Children who know their conditions always cry wolf and Gaby was a typical example.So we finally got to the hospital and the reception was so poor.The gate man said go left and after going left we were asked to go right.

Now these few lines are the hardest for me to type but typing it out actually heals.He spoke his last words to me…oh god!.He turned towards me,gave me a faint look and said”sister Edwan can I lie on your leg?”This was the first time he actually lay down through out the journey.I mean why would he even ask.So I said “of course Gaby you can”.He literally squeezed my fingers in his hands and I squeezed back.Had I known I would have squeezed even harder.

The nurses come rushing and they carry him into the room.Oh my god! my mom comes from nowhere and tells me I have to go back home and get his medical history.At this point am not that angry cuz I have no clue I am seeing my little man for the last time.So I casually go home,brush my teeth and am taking all the time in the world and am even thinking of calling my boyfriend to come along cuz he and Gaby were also really tight always texting each other and so on.They were “bros” lol.

OK so I get to the hospital and I don’t see my mum or anyone around.My heart drops into my stomach cuz the whole time I was on the way back I was considering the possibility.Now because I have never been 100% at home due to school I haven’t ever experienced his crisis so I was taking everything lightly.I ask for directions and am shown were he is.He was on infusion and had received some meds and the blood had stopped oozing out.Thank god!

So I was seated and ma sister and I were looking at each other and smiling,he asked for water and I gave him a few sips.The doctor came in finally and did some examinations.I was already praying all this time”God please spare my little brother”and also texted my closest friends to pray for him.The doctor ordered for some more injections and just after they were about to give him the final dose Gaby  as intelligent as he was asked the doctor what that was and how it will help him.He then went into a fists. Shit just got real.I couldn’t handle myself so I left(worse decision of my life).

I began crying outside and praying to God and making promises and I cant remember the rest.Then I see nurses moving in and out.That wasn’t helping at all.My mom rushed in and out,my sister too.Me being such a coward I couldn’t get myself to that room to see what was going on.I froze up on the chair and I began thinking maybe I should go in there with the kind of bond he and I share I could be able to give him hope and the strength to fight for life.I could hold his hand and whisper to him”after this is all over am going to ask Randy to bring the complete MOANA movie and we will watch it together like we always do”.So I found the strength to get in there.

I entered the room with so much curiosity and I was anxious cuz I believed I was the key I could make him fight.But when I got there he was literally…he was gone and I felt lost immediately I don’t think I heard myself cry cuz i wanted to die too. 8:35am or so.

This is the most difficult post I have ever written.Took me a good number of crying hours to get this done.This is what has been preventing me from writing cuz it took away all my creativity.

It was just one reason that made it feel like a thousand.

XOXO